Recently, three women came into my clinic—an elderly woman of 85, another of 62 and a younger woman. When I asked who was with whom, I realised they were all together. The eldest was a widow, abandoned by her three sons, and had been cared for by the other elderly woman—her only daughter—for the last 12 years. The daughter herself had a bedridden husband and their two sons had left after marriage, abandoning their parents. The youngest woman was their married daughter, caring for her parents and her (Naani)maternal grandmother. Financially marginalised, they had frequent treatment disruptions due to lack of money.
In another instance, a woman came to me as a caregiver for her parents. She was visibly frustrated. When I asked her what was wrong, she explained that her frustration wasn’t about caring for her parents but having to lie to her in-laws to do so. She also shared that her brothers, who had neglected their parents, were now demanding a double share in the family’s property. She wasn’t opposed to their inheritance claims but was shocked at how they had disregarded their responsibility toward their parents. “Islam says the responsibility for parents lies more with the sons,” she remarked bitterly.
During the COVID-19 pandemic, during my tenure in the ICU, I noticed a similar trend—many of the attendants of senior citizens were their daughters.
The seniors who only have daughters, this is understandable, but what’s surprising is that this trend is becoming increasingly common even in families with many sons. While, in my practice, I do see adult sons who care for their parents very well, the rising number of cases where daughters are taking on the primary caregiving role is alarming in our society.
This trend is not isolated to Kashmir. As a speaker at a national conference on caregiving, I observed that other speakers from across India echoed the same concern: married daughters are increasingly becoming the primary caregivers to their ageing parents, even when sons, who often abandon their responsibilities after marriage, are present.
This phenomenon raises significant questions about the changing dynamics of caregiving in our society. While it’s heartening to see daughters stepping up for their parents, the rising trend of sons distancing themselves after marriage is alarming. In our cultural context, where sons are traditionally seen as the primary caregivers for their ageing parents, the burden is increasingly being shifted to daughters, often married ones with families of their own.
Why is this trend increasing?
- Cultural Shifts and Urbanization
With the increasing shift towards nuclear families and urbanisation, sons, after marriage, often move away from their parents, sometimes for work, but sometimes to start their own lives independently. The concept of “leaving the nest” has become more prevalent, with sons prioritising their new family over their ageing parents. Daughters, on the other hand, despite being married and managing their own families, often remain emotionally and morally tied to their parents, feeling an intrinsic responsibility to care for them. - Increased Independence Among Women
The rising empowerment and independence of women have also contributed to this trend. Daughters, especially educated and financially independent ones, are now in a better position to care for their parents. They are no longer confined to their marital homes and feel capable of taking up this responsibility, even when their brothers don’t. - Neglect by Sons
In many cases, sons have become emotionally distant from their parents after marriage. The responsibilities of caring for elderly parents are sometimes viewed as an obstacle to their own lives. Some sons, influenced by their spouses or caught up in the pursuit of their careers, may not prioritize their parents’ well-being. It’s painful to see sons who, after all the sacrifices made by their parents, find excuses to shirk their responsibilities. - Social Stigma for Women
Many daughters find themselves trapped between their marital homes and their duty towards their parents. They often face societal pressure or resistance from their in-laws, who may not appreciate them leaving to care for their parents. This double burden places a strain on these women, who feel morally obligated to provide for their ageing parents while also fulfilling the demands of their marital families. - Sons must share the responsibility There needs to be a societal shift in understanding that the responsibility of caring for ageing parents doesn’t solely rest on the shoulders of daughters. Sons must understand that after marriage, their duty towards their parents does not end. The love, care, and effort that their parents invested in raising them should be reciprocated, especially when they need it the most.
Sons need to actively engage in the caregiving process, whether that’s through financial support, being physically present, or ensuring their parents receive proper care. Marriage should not become an excuse to abandon parents. The moral, emotional, and practical responsibility should be shared equally between sons and daughters.
Creating awareness
It’s crucial to raise awareness about the importance of elderly care in families. Sons, daughters, and society at large need to be reminded of the values of respect and responsibility towards the elderly. Religious and cultural narratives often emphasize the importance of caring for one’s parents, and it’s time these messages are reinforced in modern society.
In the healthcare system, as a geriatrician, I see the impact of neglect on elderly patients. Many of the health issues I encounter are not just physical but are exacerbated by emotional abandonment. Families need to come together to ensure that the twilight years of their parents are spent with dignity and care. This isn’t just a daughter’s duty—it’s a shared family responsibility.
