Me: Oh brain, braaaain. It’s that time again.
Me: Don’t sulk. You know the drill.
Brain: Mmmmph.
Me: Oh there you are, gtg, brb.
Brain: I thought it’s been six years, maybe they had forgotten about the fifth edition of Housefull. Didn’t you have enough after the fourth? What kind of a masochist are you? Don’t you know when to stop?
Me: Who asked for a speech? Just doing my job. Bfn.
Groan! Minutes later:
Brain: So?
Me: Mmmmph.
Brain: Hahaha. Spill it.
Me: Well, if you insist. There’s this luxury liner, and that old lusty fellow, played by who else but Ranjeet, pops it, and leaves his billions to his son, called Jolly. Three Jollys show up, Riteish, Abhishek and Akshay. Each has a wife/girlfriend, can’t give you their names because they are all wispy and leggy and silly. There’s a fourth son (Fardeen Khan) from a second wife. There’s Aakhri Pasta, no need to tell you who plays him, because by now the poor fellow must have forgotten his real name. There’s Johny Lever being Johny Lever, and Sanjay Dutt and Jackie Shroff playing Bhidu and Baba or is it Baba and Bhidu. There’s also a hulky ship captain. And a doctor who’s allergic to peanuts. And Nana Patekar in a dhoti and kurta. Oh, and there’s a killer loose.
Also Read | Housefull 5 movie release live updates
Brain: And?
Me: Memory-loss inducing drugs coloured a virulent blue. DNA test labs. Masked murderers. And a rainbow-coloured parakeet.
Brain: The same one which got sucked into a vacuum hose?
Me: Who knows? All I know that the bird has a bigger speaking part than some of the ladies, but what can you do, there are so many characters, the writers must have had a hard time handing out an equal number of lines to each. But then they must have thought, oh, they’re all birds, so that’s okay.
Brain: Phew.
Story continues below this ad
Me: Right. Actually, I have to say that compared to the previous Housefulls, this one has a slightly fuller house, but because no one expects anything else, it’s pretty much like the older ones– characters tumbling over each other, crass jokes about body parts and fluids (how can they not be there) abound, and yes, there’s that classic climactic human chain, where the entire cast is yelling and screaming and shouting and…
Brain: Stop, I’m hurting.
Me: You asked for it, so shut it, and listen.
Brain: You mean there’s more?
Me: Well, it did get to the point where it’s all a blur, and I managed a nap, and WHY ARE THESE FILMS SO LONG? And Akshay roams around the ship’s hallway with a long tail…
Brain: Wait what?
Story continues below this ad
Me: It’s plastic, and a prop, and all the Jollys are in bed with women who are not their wives. One turns out to be a man…
Brain: No more. I’m exhausted. How did you survive?
Me: The only thing that kept me going was the knowledge that it will all get over, everything does, right? And oh, Nana Patekar has a Marilyn Monroe moment, and the Khalnayak theme song keeps getting played, and Baba and Bhidu keep smirking and skulking, and…
Also Read | Housefull 5 advance booking: Akshay Kumar comedy sells tickets worth Rs 9.84 crore, breaks Kesari’s record
Story continues below this ad
Brain: QUIT RIGHT NOW. I feel for you. But serves you right, right?
Me: Right.
Housefull 5 movie cast: Akshay Kumar, Abhishek Bachchan, Riteish Deshmukh, Nana Patekar, Jacqueline Fernandes, Chunky Panday, Sanjay Dutt, Jackie Shroff, Ranjeet, Fardeen Khan, Nargis Fakhri, Sonam Bajwa, Chitrangada Singh, Shreyas Talpade, Dino Morea, Johny Lever, Nikitin Dheer, Soundarya Sharma
Housefull 5 movie director: Tarun Mansukhani
Housefull 5 movie rating: One star
